The Sanctum of Sanity

The Return of Waterloo Road

Wednesday 2nd February 8.00pm BBC 1

Miss Lawal and Kyle Stack in their first encounter

The New Term

Well, the new term finally kicked off at the beginning of February at this academy of awfulness. Term starting at the wrong time of year was not the only liberty taken with reality in this dire drama of educational mediocrity.

The big idea of this episode was teaching the sexes separately, in a doomed attempt to improve the performance of the boys. Removing these testosterone fueled thugs from the temptation to perform in the only area any of them are ever likely to excel in, is unlikely to prove a progressive move. 

It led of course, to the predictable scenes of 'boys being boys,' where a class of Year 11 Neanderthals (who for some inexplicable reason had all choosen Food Technology as one of their GCSE subjects) decided that, with no opportunity to impress the girls with their culinary skills they'd entertain themselves with a food fight. This resulted in poor Ruby, their long suffering teacher, enlisting the services of the Head's secretary and ex pupil the gobby Janeece Bryant to act as a classroom assistant to quell any future disruption with a tongue lashing no boy could survive. 

We also witnessed the appearance of ex Coronation Street totty Tina O'Brien as the head's long lost daughter Bex Fisher. She joined her sister Jess in the school's geriatric V1 Form , where the pupils are clearly in their mid-twenties. However, given the standard of education they're receiving, it is perhaps unsurprising that they've decided to stay on until early middle age.
    

The school has also acquired a new feisty head of Pastoral Care in the form of Adana Lawal (Sharlene Whyte) and a new dysfunctional low-life in the shape of Kyle Stack, ( George Sampson, last seen dancing under a shower in Britain's Got No Talent) who on his first day caused enough mayhem to be permanently excluded from life, let alone school.

Kyle arrived with a vicious Rottwieller which prompted Finn Sharkey to go and find himself an Alsatian during lunch time. The introduction of these canine thespians into the cast was inspired. They easily out acted the human cast and I thought the Alsatian made a very perceptive point by taking a dump in the middle of its big scene. Unfortunately, the Rottweiller was carted off to the vets for a lethal injection. A fate which would be applauded, if it had only happened to some of the pupils and most of the staff.

Still, it looks as though there may be a love interest developing between Jonah Kirby and Miss Montoya the delectable head of Spanish. Watch this space.

Unsurprisingly, at the end of this first day most of the dreadfully attired staff ended up down the the pub, all downing tequilas, in what can only have been an attempt to block out the nightmares which must await them when they close their eyes. If I'd have been among them I'd have ordered a glass of hemlock.

More nonsense next week no doubt.