The Sanctum of Sanity

The Apprentice: BBC 1 Wednesday December 8th 8.00pm

Well, the eye candy has been disappearing from the apprentice boardroom faster than bowls of Sugar Puffs at a boy scout's breakfast. Baron Sugar of Clapton, the 'cereal' entrepreneur, whose face is becoming as cold and crinkled as a sugar frostie in a ice box, has clearly now lost the plot, if indeed, there was ever a plot to lose.

In last night's episode he fired the delectable Liz Locke, who would certainly have increased the attractiveness quotient of his empire by miles, and retained Stuart ('I'm still only twenty-one') Baggs, a nauseatingly immature and arrogant Isle of Mann ex-schoolboy yo-yo salesman with a whole field full of ponies; all ready to instantly ride to lord Sugar's rescue. 

Lord Sugar also said he considered Stella English to be a bright lady. With such woefully questionable judgement it's surprising that his empire has not long since collapsed under the weight of its own incompetence. Just shows that lack of intelligence is no bar to success. In fact, the only thing even remotely bright about Stella is her name. In 'the tasks' so far, her performance has been as brilliantly apparent as an unlit tea-light in a tornado.

As for the remainder of these talentless twerps, they should I believe, all be swapped with the X Factor finalists. It would be extremely interesting if the X Factor winner were to be given a job in Lord Sugar's 'cereal' factory and the winner of the Apprentice was forced to record the Christmas No 1.

At least Cowell's talent show winners demonstrate some talent, and often go on to carve very successful careers.

Lord Sugar's remaining apprentices however, are about as bright as winter in Alaska and would clearly be out of their depth in a car park puddle. I wouldn't trust them to pass SAT's Key Stage 1, not even if they were all working together as a team. An ability, which has clearly so far eluded them.

The Final Five

Chris Bates

Jamie Lester

Joanna Riley

Stella English

Stuart Baggs

Why anyone in their right mind, would consider any of these floppy finalists worthy of a six figure salary is a mystery so far beyond human comprehension, that it makes deciphering the ultimate meaning of particle collisions in the large hadron collider seem easy.